Monday, October 17, 2011

HE's Still Working on Me!!!

Do you remember that song we used to sing as children?  It went:
"He's still working on me;
to make me what I ought to be;
it took him just a week to make the moon and the stars, the sun and the earth and jupiter and mars;
how loving and patient he must be 'cause  He's still working on me."

I sang that song so much as a kid, in VBS, and Sunday School that I probably could have sung it in my sleep.  I even believed it, but I never KNEW IT.  I can honestly say now that I know it!  God has been working on me.  My life, my attitude, the way I deal with everyone around me, but especially my prayer life.   

I always get up very early in the morning and start my day with Bible reading and prayer.  I don't say this with pride because I know that the only reason I  do it is because I am so incredibly desperate for God that I can't not do it.  And the only reason I am desperate for God is because he has put a desire for him into my heart.  There is nothing good in me that would make me seek God, but he sought me!

For the last several months, when I would study the Word and pray, I would often feel that I was not connecting with God.  It was terrible!  I felt so cut off from God and I didn't know what to do to get back to him.  So many things were going wrong and I couldn't do a thing to fix them.  For a control freak like me this is really, really bad.  I felt myself starting to get angry with God, but I knew that was just dumb.  How can I dare to be angry with God when he's God???  So, along I go trying to get back to God, trying to pretend I'm not angry with him, and guess what?  It's not working.  It's so crazy to deny the feelings I was having toward God when he knows my heart inside and out.

Truth be told, I was mad at God.  In my head, I knew without a doubt that God is in control and that what he does is good.  In my heart, I was questioning why he doesn't do things differently (read:  my way).  I know when I have all the answers, I will see that God's ways were and are best.  So, instead of continuing to be angry at God, which is foolishness, I repented of my sin because surely this was sin.  I had started believing the lies of the enemy.  I began to think that I did not matter to God because he didn't do what I asked him to.  I became so "me" centered that I  made myself spritually sick.

Repentance is such a beautiful word.  I feel as if I have been born again, again.  God doesn't answer to me, and boy am thankful for that!  Left to me, I would screw this world up so bad.  Since God has always been God, I think I will just stop trying to "help" him be God.

So, through this convoluted post, probably full of run-on sentences and fragmented thoughts, I hope to tell you that God is still on his throne.  He always was.  I just got lost and didn't look to him for deliverance.  But, thankfully, He's still working on me!!!

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